This was it

You know how i was talking about happiness in the previous post? I found it!!! I actually found it!!! And guess what? I blew it! :|
Can you imagine my frustration? I can't do shit about it. It was my fault! Mine and mine only. My confusion, my stupid, mixed up feelings at the moment. It's just...so unfair. Life's not fair!

Lonely...i feel lonely. That's cuz I am lonely. I see lots of people passing by me: my colleagues, my friends, my family, skinny people, fat people, ugly people, good-looking people...all sorts of people. And still I feel lonely. Not only loneliness is obscuring my heart, but envy and frustration too. Happy people are killing me. Almost literally! And it's awkward and stupid but it's true. I am glad for their happiness but how about mine? When will I be happy? Why can't I be happy now? I wanna be happy now, not later, NOW.

What can I do to reach the sweet feeling of happiness? As far as I know, there's nothing I can do. Well...that's hard to accept. I'm a logical thinker so it seems normal to me that I should be able to make myself happy. But i cannot. I can't change things. I'm not able to change things to make myself happy, to make myself ohh not so lonely, to fill the void that's taking over me.

So I comply. I quit, give up, whatever you wanna call it. I'm a loser. I lost this fight. Can't do it anymore. Won't pretend anymore.

M-am trezit cam tarziu azi. Inca ma simt obosita. Ca si ieri de altfel. Probabil recuperez noaptea pierduta la Catalina. Genial. Am invatat niste joculete foarte misto. Am jucat mima, Mafia, Oglinda. Am mancat mici si am baut bere.

Am cunoscut o gramada de oameni interesanti. Unii mai enervanti decat altii. Dar cu toate astea, nu m-am putut simti bine cu adevarat. De ce? Pentru ca el nu era acolo. Pentru ca mi-e atat de dor de el. Numai cupluri cupluri erau pe'acolo. Lucru care m-a facut sa imi amintesc cat de bine ma simt cu el.

Unde vroiam sa ajung? La faptul ca, de cand m-am trezit nu ma pot gandi decat la el. Simt ca daca nu il vad in curand o sa mor de dor. Nu este posibil, nu'i asa? :)

I miss...

I miss him. I miss his touch, his smell, his little belly, his hair, his perfume. I miss cuddling with him, his embarrasses, the noises that he was making out of the blue. I miss his shudder, the way he made me feel, the way my body reacted at his softest touch. I miss eating together, his great mood after a good meal and a cigarette, the way he takes care of me, his red-brown eyes, his soft skin, his little face. I miss his cute, silk-like hands. I miss the look in his eyes, the only thing that we could not connect physically. I miss HIM.

So...fiti atenti ce ne-a iesit noua, 3 oameni total diferiti, dupa ce unul dintre profesorii de engleza ne-a spus sa scriem fiecare dintre noi pe o foaie un cuvant, iar apoi sa ne 'imperechiem' cate 3 si sa facem o compunere in care cele 3 cuvinte sa apara. Eu, impreuna cu colegii mei am avut urmatoarele cuvinte: NOUN, MUSIC, FLOWER. There's no connection between these 3 words at first, is there? Now:

'Music is a powerful noun. It is the most precious of the arts. It amplifies feelings an it can induce a certain mood. Music is also important in a movie. It can change the whole message and it can make the movie better or worse, depending on the situation. Also, it is said that a person can be judged by the kind of music he or she listens to.
It is also believed that some music (like Mozart, Beethoven, Bach, Chopain, Vivaldi, Verdi etc) helps a baby develop a better thinking. And it is known as a good factor for a better growing of the flowers.
The experts found out that water particles also react to different types of music. So...we encourage you to listen to classical music because it helps you remain sane!'

Yeah...that was about it. Interesting, isn't it? :)

*Sigh*

Nu am chef de absoult nimic. Nu vreau sa plec la tara cu ai mei. De ce nu ma intreaba si pe mine cineva ce vreau sa fac? Chiar atat de neimportanta sunt? Sper macar sa ma lase la varmea, macar acolo o sa am ceva de facut...sper. Majoritatea cunoscutior de pe acolo sunt plecati in strainatate. Asa ca nu se stie exact daca o sa am sau nu ceva de facut. Ohh, well. Se mai intampla.
Imi doresc sa fiu mai importanta.

Mood: weird

Nu stiu de ce dar zilele astea ma simt ametita. Simt ca timpul si lumea se misca in reluare in jurul meu si nu imi pot da seama de ce.
Mi-a zis Totto ca m-am ingrasat. Iar am o perioada in care am impresia ca sunt inutila si arat foarte aiurea. Nu stiu de ce va spun asta. Cred ca am nevoia sa mi se spuna ca nu e adevarat. Simt nevoia sa mi se faca complimente. Sunt o sensibila. Lame. Pathetic. But ME.
Have a good night y'all! :)
XoXo